Whimsy

Let’s give the Phillies better nicknames

Major League Baseball unveiled on Wednesday uniforms players will wear the weekend of Aug. 25-27, which is “Players Weekend.”

What is “Players Weekend”? Let MLB explain:

Major Leaguers will let their personalities and passions shine like never before when the newly created Players Weekend takes center stage during all games from Friday, Aug. 25, to Sunday, Aug. 27. … Players across all clubs will wear (nicknames) on their backs while sporting colorful, non-traditional uniforms featuring alternate designs inspired by youth-league uniforms.

MLB and the MLB Players Association announced jointly on Wednesday that Players Weekend will be a player-focused field festival of sorts, different than anything seen before at the top rung of the sport. In addition to nicknames on the backs of jerseys made by Majestic, players can wear and use uniquely colored and designed spikes, batting gloves, wristbands, compression sleeves, catcher’s masks and bats.

During Players Weekend, the players also will be able to wear specially designed caps by New Era, and unique socks from Stance. Players also can wear T-shirts highlighting a charity or cause of their choice during pregame workouts and postgame interviews. The same authentic jerseys, tees, caps and socks are available now at the MLB.com/shop.

That last sentence is important, because of course Major League Baseball is selling these uniforms as merchandise.

Anyway, the Phils uniforms are pretty terrible. The nicknames? Also not the best.

So we decided to give some of these guys new nicknames. Got a better one? Leave it in the comments.

***

Aaron Nola (“Nola”)

New nickname: Geauxla

I mean, come on, is this one any easier? The Phillies use the Cajun form of “go” all the time when they refer to Nola on social media – including his own personal hashtag – to reflect his Louisiana heritage, his name (seriously a Louisiana boy’s name is literally “New Orleans”) and his Louisiana State University lineage. It’s obvious the Phillies went to all these guys and asked them to come up with a nickname, and just like every other office in the world, some people just didn’t respond to the email. That’s Nola and his other cohorts who stuck with their last names as their nicknames. But Nola gets a pass, seeing as he’s the only Phillie that can get the opposing team out, as long as the opposing team isn’t the Braves. Cameron Perkins? You don’t get a pass. Make up a nickname, Perk. See? I just did it for you. It ain’t that hard.

– Michael Sadowski

Cameron Perkins (“Perkins”)

New nickname: Dabs

Change Perkins’ from Perkins (boring, obviously) to Dabs. This explains it.

– Corey Sharp

Freddy Galvis (“Toco” [Spanish for “I play”])

New nickname: The Landlord

Because he owns all the land around him in the field. (It’s better when said with some attitude, like “Yo, Freddy Galvis is the motherf’in LANDLORD. That cat owns ALLLLLLL the land that’s anywhere, ANYWHERE, near him. The ball gets close to him and forget about it, it’s his.”

– Evan Gusz

Tommy Joseph (“Tojo”)

New nickname: Gramps

Am I the only one who thinks Tommy Joseph looks like he’s pushing 50? He just turned 26 yet he could easily be driving a minivan to soccer practice with his three kids, wearing a Tommy Bahama shirt and sandals. Besides, his nickname is unoriginal and, while most people don’t get the reference, conjures an anti-Japanese slur used by Americans in the mid-20th century.

– Kirsten Swanson

Clay Buchholz (“Buck”)

New Nickname: 404

Because, like a broken link that returns a 404 error on the web, Buchholz was never fully there for the Phillies this season due to his early and lengthy injury.

– Daniel Walsh

Nick Williams (“Nicky Dubs”)

New Nickname: Ultra Brite

Come on, Nick. The whole “Dubs” trend went out of style before the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy ended. My college nickname (“T-Malc”) is a relic, and so is anything with “Dubs.” Anyway, Williams has a lot going for him – his swing, his power, his gallop, his clutch performance (someone floated “Big Knock”) – but nothing defines him quite like his beaming, infectious smile. So I looked to the toothpaste: It’s Ultra Brite. I’d love to go with “Glisten,” but that doesn’t really work as a nickname.

– Tim Malcolm

8 Comments

8 Comments

  1. Hank-SJ

    August 10, 2017 at 11:31 am

    Kirsten Swanson is so on target with her take on Joseph. He’s always looked about 10 years older than his stated age. And to use a war criminal’s name as your nickname? Just goes to show how today’s folks are out of touch with history.

  2. Evan

    August 10, 2017 at 1:44 pm

    Ones I couldn’t submit for obvious reasons:

    Franco – Oafer (as in 0 for [4])

    Pivetta – The Juggs Machine

    Tommy Joseph – Giddy Up (GIDP or Ground Into Double Play)

    Adam Morgan – BP (as in batting practice)

    • denzen

      August 10, 2017 at 6:21 pm

      1. Altherr- Hammy. 2. Joseph- 0.1 3. Quinn- MIA 4. Franco- Bobblehead. 5. Cam Perkins- NE Extention (Works for a bunch of guys this year.) ps. Kirsten Swanson- Bingo

  3. Karla Withak

    August 10, 2017 at 5:01 pm

    Nola…no…no…no…no…Nola!

  4. pamikeydc

    August 10, 2017 at 9:43 pm

    Hahah!!! Great write up PN!! And of course and an obvious DUH- that everyone has always thought TJ looks 50.

  5. Dan

    August 10, 2017 at 11:30 pm

    How about Franco = clueless in the box

  6. denzen

    August 11, 2017 at 3:15 am

    Herrera………Goofy foot.

  7. Nick M

    August 11, 2017 at 10:46 am

    Nola should be “The Big Easy” it’s a play on New Orleans Louisiana an when he pitches he “comes up make and makes it look easy”

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