I am without a doubt the biggest Phillies fan to ever draw breath, and I think my lifetime of accomplishments speaks for itself. I have written in Mike Schmidt for president in every presidential election since I was old enough to vote.
The 1980 World Championship means so much to me that I’m able to forgive Tug McGraw not only for playing for the Mets, but for fathering Tim McGraw. In fact, I’d likely forgive him for Pearl Harbor and the Irish Potato Blight. I have dressed as the Phanatic every Halloween since 1989. When a friend pointed out that it was getting a little small on me I called the CIA and had him arrested for being a terrorist. I once started a bar fight with Daryl Strawberry just because. As a teenager I attempted to break into the Vatican and repaint the saints on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in the image of the Phillies championship team. I was discovered and kicked out of the Vatican before I was halfway through.
I used to be an astronaut, but I got kicked out of the space program when NASA discovered my plan to plant a Phillies pennant on Mars. Betsy Ross originally intended the U.S. flag to be beige, teal, and salmon, but I built a time machine, traveled back to 1777, and kicked her in the stomach until she saw reason and changed it to Phillies Red, White, and Blue.
I have devoted my life to the Phillies and I have only one regret; not selling my left kidney for World Series Tickets when I had the chance. Please Phillies Nation, help me keep my organs and fulfill my dream by voting me the biggest Phillies fan.